


かすみ -Kasumi-

by Cerinh (AnnieAmazing)



Series: Melodic Emotions [3]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Mood Swings, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-06 15:16:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20293603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieAmazing/pseuds/Cerinh
Summary: Two weeks after their three-way at Toshiya's, the bassist visits Die at home just to spend some time. As they get to talking and smoking some pot, however, things are said and done that can't be taken back. And even if they could, would they want to?





	かすみ -Kasumi-

**Author's Note:**

> かすみ (Kasumi) means _Haze,_ the song is from the 2003 Album _Vulgar_

****Die was just getting comfortable with a new beer on his couch when the doorbell went off. Groaning, he glanced at the silver and rose-golden watch adorning his wrist and rolled his eyes. Half nine at night. What an impolite time to drop by someone else’s apartment. Maybe if he ignored whoever felt the need to visit him at this time of night, they would assume he wasn’t home or already asleep and leave.

No such luck. The bell rang again and this time, Die groaned, tossed his legs from where they had rested atop his coffee table and got up to shuffle into the hallway, mentally cursing whoever was in front of his door. When he opened it, however, his expression softened and the scowl on his face was immediately replaced by a friendly smile.

“Hey, sunshine! I hope I’m interrupting something,” Toshiya exclaimed cheerfully, waved his hand in an arch and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, a broad grin on his lips.

The redhead huffed out a laugh in greeting and wordlessly stepped aside to invite his friend in. “I bet,” he finally chuckled and closed the door behind his guest. Turning around, he leaned against it and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Quietly, Die regarded Toshiya for a moment, admired his subtle gracefulness, watched intently as the younger man toed off his shoes and then took off his scarf and jacket, carelessly dropping the items to the floor instead of hanging them up on the coat rack.

Snorting softly, Die raised an eyebrow at the bassist, who had straightened up and was now grinning merrily at him. Pointing a finger at the discarded clothing, he said, voice stern, “Pick those up.” Careless and graceful at the same time. What an odd combination, Die mused, but in Toshiya, these contradictory attributes seemed to make perfect sense together and were entirely charming. Remarkable. Enviable, even. Most definitely loveable. Much like the man himself, with all his odd little quirks and the ever-present bounciness and the way he never seemed to be afraid to speak his mind or show emotion. Not that Die would ever tell anyone that, especially not Toshiya himself. At least not with words.

Toshiya made a face and poked his tongue out at Die, effectively pulling him from his reverie. “Neat freak,” he scoffed, but did as he was told.

Die bit back a comment and instead only rolled his eyes, then pushed himself off his front door and brushed past his friend to go back to his living room. “Beer?” he asked over his shoulder and received a hum of approval, so instead of going back to his sofa, the redhead made a beeline for the kitchen area on the far side of the room. Opening the fridge, he pulled out a bottle, uncapped it and took a sip before returning back to the sitting room section.

Arriving at his couch, he saw Toshiya already getting comfortable, feet on the coffee table and Die’s probably now warm beer wedged between his legs while he quietly flicked through channels on the television. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Die thought that he should be annoyed at his friend, who seemed to have dropped his manners and sense of propriety right out there in his hall along with his jacket. But he found himself only grinning at the back of Toshiya’s head, somehow feeling warm at the thought that the younger behaved as though he was at his own home.

Toshiya yelped and almost dropped the TV remote when Die snuck up behind him to press an ice cold bottle of beer to the sensitive spot on the back of his neck, just below his ear. “Jesus, fuck!” he exclaimed and glared at his friend over his shoulder, “Are you trying to kill me?”

The redhead only laughed and bent over the backrest of the couch to hug the younger from behind. “I just enjoy seeing you squirm,” he all but purred into obsidian hair, his voice automatically dropping half an octave.

Completely against what Die had expected, however, Toshiya didn’t blush or writhe or try to get away. Instead, he turned his head so that he could look at his friend with a raised brow and clicked his tongue. “Are you coming on to me right now?” he asked flat-out and seemingly unimpressed. “Where’s your boyfriend, huh? Been a while?”

At the guitarist’s frown, Toshiya started giggling, however. “Not that I’m rejecting you, y’know…” he offered, lips pursed so that they brushed faintly along Die’s cheekbone, and pried the cool beer from the guitarist’s grasp. He took a drink and then let his raspberry tongue trail the rim of the bottle seductively.

Die snorted, watching the younger man intently. “Now who’s coming on to whom, eh? Pervert,” he remarked before ruffling his friend’s silky hair and then, in one fluent, almost cat-like movement, jumping over the backrest of the sofa to sit down next to him.

Toshiya nudged him with his elbow once he was seated and they shared a grin while the bassist tried to get his hair back in order. Then, suddenly, the younger man’s smile vanished and he became very still. “Seriously, though, you and Kao, you’re good, yeah?” there was a certain sense of urgency in his voice, along with the distinct wavering of anxiety.

Die blinked confusedly at first, then offered a gentle smile. He nodded. “Yep, ‘course we are. Why wouldn’t we?”

Toshiya shrugged. “Dunno? Haven’t really talked to Kao since… y’know. Two weeks ago?” he shot Die a glance full of uncertainty, but quickly averted his gaze to the beer in his hands. Idly, he stroked his pointer along the neck of the bottle, catching a drop of condensation and eyeing it intently, as though it held all the answers.

A sigh left Die’s lips as the reason at the core of the other’s worry registered in his mind. He nudged his friend with his knee and grinned. “Don’t worry, everything’s fine. If it weren’t, we’d have talked about it with you by now, eh?”

The bassist sighed softly and sucked on his own bottom lip. “I… guess,” he whispered meekly, a visible shudder running through him. The mere thought was gut-wrenching. “I just… feel like he’s avoiding me. I’d hate if things got awkward between us, y’know? Apart from the girls I grew up with, he’s my oldest friend. I don’t even know how to put into words how much he means to me, he’s just _ that _ important.”

The older felt his heart go out to his friend. Placing a reassuring hand on Toshiya’s shoulder, he squeezed gently and then bent towards him to press soft lips to the bassist’s temple. “I know, Totchi. You shouldn’t worry so much, though. We did what we did because we wanted it, yeah? And it was fun.” He shrugged half-heartedly, not quite dismissive, but not quite as though he’d spent much time thinking about the whole thing in the past two weeks. Die was a little proud of himself for that, even when, truthfully, he hadn’t been able to get what they had done off his mind for a while. Once again, he found himself wishing they could do it again sometime. Soon. Before he could get lost in his thoughts, Die returned his attention to his friend, nuzzling his obsidian hair. “Everything’s fine, Totchi, I promise. You and Kaoru are fine, and he and I are, too.”

Shaking himself out of his dreadful thoughts, the younger tried to smile at Die, and with some effort, succeeded. “Yeah, well… you better keep it that way, you’re a fucking role model now, after all.”

The redhead chuckled at that. “Oh, yeah? To whom? You’re the only person who knows about Kaoru and I.”

Shrugging, Toshiya nudged Die with his shoulder. “Precisely. Duh,” he said dryly, then continued in a soft, solemn voice, “I hope that one day, I’ll find someone who I can share this deep kind of connection with that the two of you seem to have developed so easily. It was there even before you got together. I want that.”

Die almost cooed at that, the words made him feel warm and fuzzy inside and his cheeks flared up pleasantly. His hand fell from Toshiya’s shoulder only to push up into the younger man’s hair and play with the obsidian tresses. “Trust me, you will,” he offered gently, smiling softly.

The bassist sighed and leaned back into the touch, not returning the look. Instead, he stared at the muted television screen, following the movements of the people shown with his eyes. “I doubt that. I tend to always fall for the good ones. And, y’know, those are always taken.”

The redhead shrugged. “Kao wasn’t. And he’s one of the good ones,” he objected. His fingers got caught on a knot in Toshiya’s hair, causing him to pull a face and immediately try to untangle it, using his fingers as a comb.

The younger wanted to answer, but instead winced at the pull on his hair and made the move to stop Die from continuing. Just then, however, the calloused fingertips brushed against a sensitive spot on his scalp and he mewled softly, closing his eyes and enjoying the contact while it lasted. After a couple of moments, he finally found his voice again. “But he _ was _ taken, Die. Ever since he met you, he was yours.”

Die sighed softly at that. “So you’ve said. And he didn’t deny it, but… if that’s true, then why did he push me away after the first time we ended up sleeping together?” His voice was low and carried a hint of sadness at the memory. It didn’t hurt anymore, of course it didn’t, they were together for almost four months now, and so very much in love, but still the guitarist couldn’t help wondering.

Toshiya simply shrugged and shot him a glance. “That’s ‘cause he’s an idiot,” he replied matter-of-factly, making the guitarist huff out a laugh. Grinning himself, the younger leaned against his friend, nuzzled his neck affectionately and then brushed his soft lips across the sensitive ivory skin. “Maybe he was scared, I dunno. He loves you, though. Always has, always will.”

The redhead shivered at the feeling of those luscious lips on his neck. His fingers tightened in Toshiya’s hair almost imperceptibly, his shoulders tensed and he sucked in a deep breath. Before he could say anything or find it in himself to push the other off, however, the bassist sat back and took a swig from his bottle.

Pretending not to have noticed anything out of the ordinary, Toshiya smiled to himself, if only faintly. He knew it was wrong, but he loved the effects he could have on the other, couldn’t resist the temptation of teasing him, riling him up, flirting at him. At, not _ with, _ since Die rarely played back into it, but when he did, it felt that much more rewarding to Toshiya. Taunting the redhead in this subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) sexual manner gave the bassist the same tingly feeling that he got whenever Kaoru and him played their little game, made him feel like he somehow… _ belonged. _ He suppressed a sigh and swallowed another mouthful of beer. Why did he always, always, _ always _ happen to fall for the good ones, the taken ones, his _ friends? _ It just wasn’t fucking fair.

As Toshiya sat the bottle down on the coffee table, he glanced at the redhead sideways. “Where _ is _ Kao, anyway?”

Puzzled for a moment, Die needed a second to get his thoughts back in order. Pressing down hard on the bittersweet tingly feeling that had tried to spread through his whole body from the pit of his stomach at the contact of those lush lips on his neck, he took a deep breath to calm himself down before he was able to answer. “Not sure. His sister called, something important, apparently. He’s been with her all afternoon.”

Cocking an eyebrow, Toshiya picked up Die’s left wrist and glanced at the watch there. “It’s almost ten at night,” he stated, voice dry, and flicked his gaze back up to Die’s face. The redhead shrugged and flashed a smile, trying to seem nonchalant, but the uneasiness was quite evident on his face. Easy enough for the bassist to pick up, anyway. The redhead was worried. Of course he was.

Toshiya heaved a sigh and turned to look deep into those warm cinnamon eyes. “Y’know,” he started after a moment, “the atmosphere in here is suddenly way too oppressive.” With that, he slapped his own thigh, finally removed the bottle he still clutched between his legs to push it into Die’s hand and then got up to walk towards the entryway.

Die, confused, first stared at the beer in his hands, then followed the younger with his gaze. All of the sudden he felt like something heavy had been dropped on his shoulders and his stomach twisted painfully. He didn’t want Toshiya to leave now, felt comfortable and at ease with him there to distract him from his concerns about Kaoru and what he was up to. So much so that he effectively skipped over the fact that the bassist had been the one to bring those worries back to the forefront of his mind in the first place.

But as much as Die wanted the younger man’s companionship, just as much did he not want to ask him for it. The guitarist wasn’t a proud person, per se, but he did have _ some _ dignity and he refused to appear pathetic and desperate, even before one of his best friends, by pleading with him to stay.

He could hear Toshiya rummage in the hallway, the padding of bare feet on the floor and then the rustling of his jacket. Just as Die decided to get up to at least see his friend out, Toshiya returned, a grin on his lips and a mischievous spark in his caramel eyes, his jacket and scarf curiously absent.

“Guess what,” the bassist prompted, voice playful and somewhat excited.

Mildly bewildered, but certainly interested, the redhead placed his beer on the coffee table, raised a brow and asked the inevitable, “What?”

Toshiya snickered and pulled his hand from his back pocket, waving a small, resealable plastic bag around. “M.J. came to visit,” he offered with a smile almost as brilliant as Die’s signature one, then tossed the weed in the general direction of his friend.

Catching the item, Die stared at it for a moment, then back up at Toshiya. An easy smile crept up onto his lips and he felt his mood shift from gloomy to merry in an instant. “So good of her to drop by,” he played along with the other’s little word game and turned to rummage through the drawers in his coffee table. Not a few moments later, when Toshiya perched himself upon the armrest of the couch, he found what he was looking for; some rolling paper, an old bus ticket to roll a tip from, and his grinder.

He placed the grinder and the bag of pot in the bassist’s waiting, outstretched hand, then set out to work on the faded, once-glossy paper of the ticket, folding it up, then tearing it in half, folding some more and finally starting to curl it up, neat and tight. They worked in silence for a while, practiced movements preparing their joint.

It was only after Die had placed a rolling paper on the coffee table and dissected one of his cigarettes to sprinkle the loose tobacco on it that Toshiya spoke up again. “Y’know… I love getting high with you. It’s like, I dunno… you’re just so much more beautiful than usual with that dazed grin you have when you’re on pot.”

Die blinked at his friend, then blushed furiously as the words sunk in. “You… I… uhm,” he struggled, then ducked his head. “Thank you,” he added, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn’t quite know how to place the feelings that took hold of him then, didn’t dare to sort and categorise them for fear of what he could discover. But he let them wash over him all the same, a million little butterflies fluttering through his veins, making blood rush to the surface of his skin and tainting it pink. Toshiya thought him beautiful. _ Wow. _

A giggle from the bassist tore him from his reverie. “God, you’re cute,” he exclaimed and ran a hand through tangled crimson hair affectionately. It was an odd urge to follow, petting the older man like that, but when Die, almost imperceptibly, leaned into the touch, Toshiya found himself grinning widely, his fingertips all tingly from the softness of his friend’s silky tresses.

Die shivered pleasantly. Without looking at the other, but also without moving away from his caresses, he opened his mouth to ask, curiosity edged into his voice, “How do you do that? Being so open about what you think or feel all the time, I mean.”

Toshiya huffed and offered a lopsided shrug that Die didn’t see. “Not entirely sure. I grew up with mostly girls around, they were my friends, I played with them every day. Girls tend to be emotional. They cry, they tell you what they feel. It kind of rubbed off, I guess. Also, my mom? She kept telling me it’s okay to let your emotions show, good or bad, and that it’s in fact unhealthy to suppress them. Guess I just kinda always lived by that.”

Die hummed somewhere in the back of his throat in response. Then, after thinking about it some more, he looked at Toshiya out of the corner of his eye and grinned. “So you hung out with girls exclusively? That must have been tempting.”

Shrugging again, the bassist nodded, then shook his head, then shrugged once more. “It caused a lot of teasing in junior high, actually, but I didn’t give a fuck. Or tried to, anyway. I just couldn’t connect to the boys in my class, but with the girls I knew what to expect and how to handle them. And they were always kind to me, so… yeah.” He snickered as he continued, “In high school, though, suddenly all the guys in my grade were jealous of me and they stopped teasing. Instead, they asked me how to get girls to like them, or if I could set them up with one of my friends. I held _ all _ the power.”

Low chuckles danced in the air around them, the atmosphere light and carefree. “So, you, what, dated all the girls while the rest of your classmates had to watch and wait their turn?”

Toshiya snorted and waved his hand dismissively. “Nah, nothing like that. I never dated any of them, they were my friends. I grew up with them, y’know, I knew them at their best and at their worst, that doesn’t leave much room to develop a crush.”

The redhead turned to look at his friend fully now, a brow hitched up and a curious expression on his face. “Then why’d you have one on Kaoru? He’s your friend, too.”

The shift in the air was almost palpable. The laughter died almost instantly. An exasperated sigh tore itself from Toshiya’s throat and he pursed his lips for a moment. His heart beat uncomfortably in his chest, fluttering nervously, but he covered it with a tinge of indifference to his voice. “That’s different. I saw him and just… he was so damn _ sexy, _ y’know.” He shrugged half-heartedly, but didn’t dare look at the guitarist, “We became friends after that.”

Blinking confusedly, Die cocked his head to the side. “So it was just sexual attraction, then? From the way you told the story, I honestly thought you were in love with him once.”

Toshiya dropped the grinder on the coffee table and instead grabbed one of their abandoned bottles. Taking a long swig, he sighed after putting it down again. “Yeah, well, whatever,” he ground out, frowning deeply. With chopped movements, he picked up the grinder once more and emptied the contents over the rolling paper, trying to spread the weed as evenly as possible before tossing the device across the table. He was faintly aware that his reaction was the entirely wrong one, that it would probably give him away or at the very least would make Die suspicious, but he couldn’t have cared less. There was a painful knot inside of him, right in the space where his heart was supposed to be, and it _ hurt. _

Die, not comprehending the reason for the sudden shift in his friend’s mood, frowned, his eyes following each jerk of the bassist’s hands. “Totchi?” he asked eventually, his voice so soft and low it was almost inaudible, while the younger was busy pushing the previously rolled tip in place and starting to mix the pot and the tobacco with the pads of his forefingers.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep, calming breath, Toshiya stopped what he was doing and shot the redhead a look that was equal measures frustration and plea. “Look, I really don’t want to talk about this, okay? You know everything you need to, let’s leave it at that.”

The redhead sucked on his bottom lip. He wanted to object, wanted to try and get to the bottom of the sudden agitation, but the look in his friend’s caramel eyes managed to tug at his heartstrings. Reluctantly, he nodded. “I didn’t want to upset you, Totchi. I’m sorry,” he answered, his voice cracking slightly.

Toshiya laughed mirthlessly at the irony. Die, being sorry for upsetting him, when really the bassist should be the one to apologise. After all, wasn’t he basically lying straight to the redhead’s face? His voice came out flat, dry, devoid of all emotion when he answered, “Stop. Don’t act like you owe me something.” He just didn’t feel like he deserved it, having the older man’s heart go out to him like he was sure it did in that moment. In fact, he probably didn’t even had the right to be here, to call Die his friend. If the guitarist _ knew, _ he’d hate Toshiya. Just when, the bassist wondered, had his life become such a fucked up mess?

With a few practised movements, the obsidian-haired man picked up the almost-completed joint again, licked the sticky bits of the paper and finally finished his work, quickly and efficiently. With a drawn-out sigh, he glanced at the other man, picked up the lighter he found on the table and flicked it open. “Let’s get fucking high,” he exclaimed, determination in his voice that left no room for objections -- not that he thought Die would have any -- and brought the flame to life. Placing the narrow end of their blunt between his lips, Toshiya lit up and immediately took a deep breath of nicotine and THC.

He felt the dry burn creep down his throat and closed his eyes, relaxed into the sensation with a low, appreciative hum.

. . .

By the time they were on their third joint, they lay sprawled across Die’s huge couch, each man’s legs dangling off one of the ends of it, their heads side-by-side in the middle of the fluffy piece of furniture. Toshiya was just passing the blunt over to the redhead, who took a deep drag from it and immediately lost some of the ashes from the tip which fell on his cheek. They both chuckled, though Die pulled a face as well, and the bassist lifted the ashtray from where it was settled on the flat expanse of his stomach to put it between their faces, then stretched and bent his arm over and around his own head to be able to reach for Die’s cheek. With gentle fingers, he all but stroked the greyish powder away, rubbing carefully at the slight smudge it left behind on the rose-tinted skin as the redhead took another hit and then killed the joint in the ashtray.

Their gazes met, Die grinned softly, looking beautifully dishevelled, and something inside of Toshiya shifted, snapped. The impulse to kiss the older man suddenly all but overwhelming.

Had he been only slightly less high, or had he been a person who could brush past temptation when presented with it, or had he remembered at that point that this was his best friend’s boyfriend, a person he wasn’t supposed to pursue, he wouldn’t have given in. But as it was, Toshiya was high as a kite, his resolve was weak on the best of days anyway, and he was so very much in love with this man, just as much as he was with Kaoru, or maybe just with the idea of him and Die and Kaoru, together -- he didn’t know, it didn’t matter. All he wanted right then was to kiss those soft lips again and so, he slowly turned on his side, then on his stomach, and pushed himself up on his elbows to lean over Die, never breaking eye contact.

One last look into the glazed eyes of the guitarist that mysteriously didn’t reflect even a hint of surprise, only the gentle gleam of far-reaching trust and adoration, and Toshiya felt ready to drown in Die. He leaned in, moving closer very slowly, perhaps to give the redhead enough time to fully understand what was about to happen and to allow him to object, or perhaps only to keep them both in suspense for just a moment longer, to sweeten the impact of their kiss when it happened, _ if _ it happened.

As it was, when Toshiya’s lips were hovering only inches from Die’s, the redhead’s breath hitched and almost automatically his right hand found its way into obsidian silk, pulling the younger man down the rest of the way into a soft, careful kiss. It was only the pressure of lips against lips for the first couple of moments, neither of them daring to move or breathe. The severity of what they were doing dawned on them then, they both registered that they were essentially cheating on Kaoru with their actions, but still they chose to ignore the fact, pushed it aside and focussed only on the feeling of their mouths on one another as they slowly started to move their lips.

Toshiya hummed under his breath as he opened his mouth to let his warm, raspberry tongue flick over Die’s upper lip. The action provoked a husky chuckle from Die as he, too, parted his lips in silent invitation. Their tongue-tips met outside their mouths, playfully circled each other for the briefest of moments before withdrawing again, their lips resuming their slow dance. It was a weird feeling, kissing upside-down, the bassist thought even as he nipped Die’s lower lip, then sucked it into his mouth to gently abuse it with tongue and teeth for one blissful moment.

Die gasped, his lips parting further, involuntarily inviting the bassist in once more and this time, Toshiya took it, his tongue snaking out and between those plump lips to find the redhead’s.

It was then that the guitarist loosened his hold on Toshiya’s hair and turned his head away, effectively breaking the kiss. Disappointment and a good amount of fear took hold of the bassist’s heart immediately and he released a shuddering sigh as he scooted backwards just a little, still hovering closely over Die, but far away from his mouth now and in a better position to look him in the eyes if the redhead ever decided to open them again. Currently, they were squeezed shut and Die pinched the bridge of his nose with his right hand, the one that had only moments prior been tangled in silken obsidian tresses.

“What are we doing, Totchi?” the guitarist all but whispered, his cinnamon eyes finally opening to gaze up at the younger man, a look of uncertainty in them, though there was something else there, too. The softest hint of longing, of desire, and Toshiya felt himself latch onto that shimmer with a burning intensity, his heart doubling its pace inside of his chest.

Despite the severity of their situation, the bassist chuckled. “Most people call it kissing, Die,” he joked, earning an eye-roll, followed by a soft huff of a laugh from the redhead.

“Yes, and it was a nice kiss, but Totchi-” Die started, though that was all he would get to say for a while, since suddenly, a stream of words poured from the younger man’s lips.

“I haven’t been entirely honest with you, sunshine, and you might hate me after you hear this, but I need to say it or I’ll feel like the shittiest person on the planet, even more than I already do for kissing you behind my best friend’s back. I know I shouldn’t have done this, I shouldn’t have tempted you in the first place, but I couldn’t help it, I’m sorry, I swear. But you see, I really, really like you. It happened out of the blue, after the two of you kissed me goodbye two weeks ago, when the door closed behind you, I leaned against it and I cried, Die, I cried so hard, because this feeling, this fucking _ feeling, _ Die, inside my heart, the one that’s supposed to make you happy and giddy and excited, I couldn’t fight it, it was just _ there, _ all of the sudden, unbidden, and I don’t know what to do, I can’t get rid of it, I…” Tears pricked at the corners of his caramel eyes as Toshiya stared down at his friend. Finally, one of them fell, ran down his cheek and dripped onto Die’s soft, rosy skin.

The guitarist was sitting upright and facing his friend in an instant then, but instead of the angry glare and venomous words Toshiya had expected, the older drew him into his arms, held him close and ran his hands up and down his back while the bassist started sobbing uncontrollably. Toshiya clenched the material of Die’s shirt between his fingers, his face pressed into the junction of Die’s neck and shoulder, while he was basically straddling the guitarist’s lap.

Toshiya’s tears left a wet spot on Die’s top, soaked the material so thoroughly that the redhead could feel the dampness on his skin, but that was the least of his worries right then. His mind was reeling with a million thoughts and questions, but at the forefront of all of this was one simple piece of unshakeable truth: he didn’t want Toshiya to be hurting, and he especially didn’t want Toshiya to be hurting because of himself. But given the situation they were in, there really wasn’t much he could do right now, other than trying to calm his friend down, so he let his big, warm hands run soothing circles over the bassist’s back, up his neck and down again before travelling upward once more, his fingers combing gently through the short, obsidian hair while he whispered sweet nothings and reassurance into Toshiya's ear.

Neither of them knew how long they had been sitting there when finally, the bassist’s sobs grew less and less until they eventually subsided. It was then that Toshiya all but jerked away from his friend, breathing heavily and staring at him with the most vulnerable and guilty look Die had ever seen. “I’m sorry, sunshine, I’m so, so, _ so _ sorry, please, you have to believe-”

“Slow down, Totchi,” Die interrupted and took his friend’s face between his warm palms. He pulled the younger close enough so he could press a chaste kiss to the trembling, wet lips, his thumbs gently stroking the dampness from pink cheeks. “Now, from the top. What you just told me… what did you mean by all of that?”

Toshiya huffed out a mirthless laugh. “I meant exactly what you think I did, Die. I… _ like _ you. More than I should, the same way I like Kao and-”

Again, the redhead interrupted. “Hold up, hold up. I _ thought _ you said you don’t have feelings for Kaoru anymore?”

A defeated sigh left Toshiya’s lips and he closed his eyes to not have to stare back into the questioning cinnamon ones of his friend. “Technically I never said anything like that… but even if I had, I told you before, I wasn’t entirely honest with you. I… never stopped loving him. But I knew he was yours even before I met you, so I tried, and I tried _ hard, _ believe me, to get over him. It worked, to a certain extent, but… my feelings for him, they never really went away for good. I’d think I had them beat, only for them to return with a vengeance. So eventually I stopped fighting them and just accepted that they were a part of me. It wasn’t like they were going to get me anywhere, anyway.” Toshiya managed a lopsided shrug before he opened his eyes once more, gazing back at his friend apologetically.

A heavy sigh fell from Die’s lips and he let go of the bassist’s cheeks with a final caress of his thumbs. He shook his head slightly, closed his eyes and sighed again. “Weren’t going to get you anywhere… until you asked us to sleep with you, right?”

Toshiya’s eyes went wide and he gasped. “N-no, I… that wasn’t… I just… I promise, I didn’t want to deceive you, but at the same time, I wanted you both so much, I-”

“Shut. Up.” Die interrupted the younger man once more, but there was no anger in his voice, only a bit of force. He pressed a thumb over Toshiya’s lips for emphasis. “I wasn’t done.”

Sucking in a deep breath, the redhead gazed right back into his friend’s scared eyes searchingly. He would absorb every reaction, every last hint of emotion he could find in them and he prayed to all the Gods he knew of that he would find what he was looking for. “To be honest with you, Totchi… I should have known. Maybe I did. It just figures, you know? You’re the kind of person who gets attached easily, but also the kind that can let go easily… except for when it comes to things or people that really mean something. And I believe you when you say Kaoru means the world to you. I know what that’s like, because I feel the same way about him and I couldn’t let go of him if my life depended on it.”

Die paused, observing the shift in those caramel eyes, from scared over rueful to downright submissive and he took it as a sign that he was on the right path. “I could be angry at you for playing me like you did, but firstly, I don’t think you did it on purpose.” He paused once more, waiting if Toshiya would react the way the guitarist anticipated. When he did and a hopeful gleam took hold of the bright, though slightly reddened and glazed-over caramel eyes, Die offered the softest of smiles. “And secondly, I believe you just told me you’re in love with me.”

A huge sigh of the relieved kind escaped the bassist. “Brilliant deduction, Watson!” he couldn’t help but joke, a soft laugh following his words. Die wasn’t mad. He didn’t hate him. Of course, that didn’t mean that everything was fine, and it still left Toshiya desperately in love with two of his friends without any hope of ever getting close to either of them again, at least not in the way he would have wanted most, but losing the redhead as a friend would have been utterly devastating. The situation as it was now only stung his heart a little, but mostly, there was relieved happiness inside of him, overshadowing any tinge of sadness and feeling of guilt that might have been there before.

Die chuckled in response. “Hey, if anything, I’m going to be Sherlock fucking Holmes, okay? I’m smarter than you anyway.”

Giggling merrily, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off his heart, Toshiya nodded way too fast and quite comically. “Yeah, well, you had the opportunity to finish high school. For me, you know, my career kinda got in the way of that.”

Giddy chuckles resonated in the air around them as Die all but fell back into the couch cushions, pulling Toshiya with him so that the bassist was lying half on top and half next to him in his arms. He pressed a soft kiss to the dishevelled obsidian hair and breathed in the familiar scent of fruity shampoo and musk and weed. He still found the combination erotic as hell and grinned to himself, unseen by the younger man.

When their laughter had died down and they were simply lying there, arm in arm, staring at nothing in particular and slowly, but surely drifting off to sleep, a whisper ghosted through the comfortable silence without disrupting it. “Love you too, Totchi.”

**Author's Note:**

> Don't worry, this isn't the end. Frankly, we're only getting started. Next up: DRAMA, BABY. (Might take me a while to write it, though, please be patient. There are a couple other stories lying in waiting for me to finish them. And THOSE will have sex. _cough_)


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